My Testimony

I became a “Christian” when I was 5 years old.  I grew up in a Christian household and was taught the word as well as theological principles and why we believe what we believe.  All together a pretty thorough spiritual education.

When I was 27, almost 3 years ago, I decided to see what “the world had to offer”.  I fell away from what I had been taught and I dabbled in the ways that I had always been told were “bad news”. 

After a string of bad relationships and living a life that I thought would make me happy, I realized that I was a completely different person.  A miserable, mean, and a complete disaster area of a person

I knew that I needed Christ, but as I am a deeply stubborn woman, it took me a while to darken the door of a church again.  When I finally did attend a service, I felt as though the sermon were written specifically for me.  I left feeling convicted and utterly ashamed of myself and what I had done.

It took me a little while longer, but I prayed and confessed my sins and acknowledged my need for Christ.  That was the day that I believe I truly became a Christian.  I had had all the head knowledge before, but it had never been in my heart.

After re-affirming my faith, I found a mentor and a friend who would be able to help me and minister to me.  I also started attending church on a regular basis again.  I pray, read my Bible, and even journal on a daily basis.  I feel lighter and my burden is greatly lessened.  I am a much more gracious and happy person and I’ve begun to share my faith with others and try to minister to friends who are unsaved.

Rather than just head knowledge, my faith is now in my heart and part of my life.  I have even come to realize that my experiences during my “dark years” are really a blessing, because with them I have an understanding of how to minister to women who are in positions that I have been.

My sister-in-law told me this past week that my name (Carrie Grace) is one of the best reminders I could have when I am feeling down and struggling because I will always carry the grace of God with me wherever I go.

Yes, there are definitely still some thing with which I struggle and some things from my past that I still wrestle with, but I can handle them now because I have help from God.  Without Him, I have no doubt that I would be right back were I was 3 years ago. 

I am a walking example of how Christ can change a person’s life and heart.

Psalm 20 - Trust in the Name of the Lord Our God.

PSALM 20

Trust in the Name of the Lord Our God

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

20 May the Lord lanswer you in the day of trouble!

May mthe name of the God of Jacob nprotect you!

2 May he send you help from othe sanctuary

and give you support from pZion!

3 May he qremember all your offerings

and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices! Selah

4 May he rgrant you your heart's desire

and fulfill all your plans!

5 May we shout for joy over syour salvation,

and in the name of our God set up our tbanners!

May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!

6 Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;

he will answer him from his holy heaven

with uthe saving might of his right hand.

7 Some trust in vchariots and some in whorses,

xbut we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8 They collapse and fall,

but we rise and stand upright.

9 O Lord, save ythe king!

May he answer us when we call.

The first verses that really struck me were verses 4-5:

May he rgrant you your heart's desire

and fulfill all your plans!

5 May we shout for joy over syour salvation,

and in the name of our God set up our tbanners!

May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!

Mary Ellen and I were just talking about this tonight, the fulfillment of our plans, petitions, requests, dreams that we make and ask of God to bring to fruition.  I think a lot of times that Christians misunderstand verses like this.  I think they tend to think that if you ask God enough, eventually He'll cave and He will give you what you've been asking for.  But with vs. 5 "May we should for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our Banners!  May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!"  We're saved, our lives are no longer about ourselves anymore, they're about God and our petitions should be asking God to bring us closer to Him.  Those are the prayers and petitions that we know without a doubt that God will answer.  I don't mean stop praying for what you want.  That would be silly.  If there is a strong desire on your heart that you'd like God's help with by all means pray!  But our main desire of our heart should always be for God.  And that's what I think these verses are talking about.

The other verses that stuck me were vs 7-9:

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

They collapse and fall,

but we rise and stand upright.

O Lord, save the king!

May he answer us when we call.

Ever watch Ben Hur or any of the ancient Rome type movies?  Horses and chariots are no joke.  They are part of why the Roman Empire was so big because the Romans had the upper ground and could overpower whomever they decided to attack.  They were a deadly combination and one that you would definitely want on your side.  It's like the olden day equivalent of saying that you put your trust in tanks instead of the little rifles.  "But we trust in the name of the Lord our God."  Just the NAME of the Lord is so powerful that it blasts away everything else!  That's who we have on our side!  That's who is in our corner!  

I'm amazed more and more every day that God is on my side, by my side, helping through this and that and defending me against the evils of this world and my own sinful nature.  That He lifted off my heavy burden of sin so that I might walk more gayly and joyfully in his presence and rejoice more fully in him.

This psalm just proclaims to me just how AWESOME God is.

How Deep The Father's Love

How Deep the Father's Love for Us is my all time favorite hymn.  It's something I catch myself humming or turn on in the car to sing along to.    

How Deep The Father's Love for Us - Selah

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon his shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplish

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death an resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

There are a lot of times when I don't feel loved, or lovable.  When I feel like a complete waste of space, and inadequate for anything life throws my way.  When I feel like I'm the only person in the world who hurts.  When I feel as though I'm completely alone.  When I feel like a complete scumbag sinner who doesn't deserve the kindness of others.  This is the hymn that encourages me and reminds me of just how much I am loved by our Father.   Loved so much that He sent His only Son to die a horrible and painful death to wash away my sins.  

Ever stopped and thought about all the sins and wrong doings that have your name written on them?  I do sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm looking at my own Dorian Gray portrait.  The ugliness is rather overwhelming.  And I think about all those things being pinned to Jesus and them being the reasons that He was nailed to a cross.  Makes me sorry for every single one and beg for God's forgiveness.  He gives it every time because Jesus paid the price for them.  He ransomed me from death.  

How deep a Father's love!  How much He loves me!  This hymn just reminds me of why I believe what I believe, why I am here.  It reminds me that I'm never alone, that I am never unloved, and I no longer have the heavy burden of my sins weighing on my shoulders.  

Why should I gain from His reward?  I cannot give an answer.  But this I know with all my heart: His wounds have paid my ransom.

And the house on the sand went SPLAT!

Remember that children's song "The Wise Man Built His House Upon the Rock"?  That song was one of my favorites when I was 3 or 4 and recently it's been running through my head.  The lyrics are based on Matthew 7:24-27:

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.  And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was that fall of it. (ESV)

Recently, I got tired of waiting on God's timing.  For some reason, I got it in my head that God's watch needed a new battery so I was going to make things happen on my own.  I was going to make my dreams come true!  

Six months later, I'm standing in the middle of the rubble that was the dream I was constructing for myself.  I tried to make things happen.  I tried to push things and make the big decisions on my own.  I threw out my blue prints and went to where to sights were pretty.  SPLAT!

The good thing about this was that it is a great wake up call.  An obvious lesson from God to wait on Him to do the building.  

Waiting sucks.  Going after my dream and trying to make it happen, while disastrous in the extreme, had its fulfilling moments.  And gosh darn it, those moments are what I miss!  And it's very tempting to just go out there and try building again.  Every day it's a struggle not to go out there and make things happen again.  Sitting still and waiting seems so hopeless.  You're just... waiting...  I want to start building my dream again!!  

But next time, I don't want my dream to collapse around me because it's built on sand.  I want it to stand and be like the rock, firmly in place and unshakeable.  

So right now I'm not praying that God make my dream of being a wife and mother a reality.  Right now I'm praying that God will help me to be faithful.  I'm praying that God help me not to make moves that are based on my own foolish reasonings.  I'm praying that God will help me to wait.  

This wasn't the way I planned it

If you had asked me when I was 19 where I would be in 10 years, I would answer; "I'll be married to a wonderful man and be a stay-at-home mom with at least two beautiful children and another on the way."  That was my whole answer, my whole plan.  I've never wanted anything else than to get married, have children, and take care of my family.  I had it all planned out.  I would meet someone in college, we would graduate and get married the June after graduation, wait a year, maybe two then start having kids.  My plan was perfect.  However, it was not God's plan.

Today, I'm 29 and single.  I live with my parents and haven't been on a decent date in a long time.  My plan has long since shattered.  I've lost and regained hope so many times only to again be thrown down into the dirt feeling alone and hopeless.  Feeling completely abandoned by the God that seems to bless so many of the other people around me.  Why is He blessing everyone else with what I have specifically asked and prayed for for years?  How long am I supposed to sit here waiting patiently for what I've asked for since I was 16 years old?  How long am I to endure the anger and depression, the sadness and loneliness before He finally gives Mr. Right-For-Me my address??  Where is my blessing???

I'm angry, upset, depressed, and downright ticked off that God hasn't provided what I've asked for.  I'm tired of being lonely and depressed and tired of waiting.  Why is God ignoring me?  Am I even on His radar screen?  Has God given up on me?  Has God left me?  Certainly seems that way. 

My mom recently gave me a book called Deserted by God by Sinclair B. Ferguson (find it here).  I'm not one for reading much beyond feel good historical fiction stories, but this past Sunday I finally decided to sit down and read it.  Well, the first chapter anyway.  I started the first chapter, skeptical that I would find anything that would encourage me or help me with my situation.  

The first chapter is called "Can Anyone Help Me?"  Ferguson said exactly what I had expected him to: God.  God is the one that can help.  Having been raised in a Christian family and being taught from an early age, this was not new to me.  But Dr. Ferguson kept going.  What is the first thing that we do when we feel like our prayers have gone unheard?  We stop praying.  We stop reading our Bibles.  Oh we'll offer up the random prayers here and there for our friends and loved ones but our hearts aren't in it.  And why listen and read God's word when He's not listening to me.  So quiet times stop, prayers on the drive to work stop, humming hymns in the shower stops.  And the darkness and loneliness and pain sneak in and start taking over and it is not a pretty picture.  Gone is the generally happy Carrie that goes to dinner with buddies, takes walks with her sister-in-law, visits and plays with the kids.  Moody Carrie shows up and says little to nothing to the people she works with, hides in her room, skips dinner with friends, snaps at her family when they ask her a question.  The ugliness spreads like wildfire.  It's awful!!  Why does this happen??  I stopped reading my Bible.  I stopped praying.

Ferguson explains why we need our quiet times with God: "When we study and meditate on the Scriptures, they being to make a significant impact on the whole of our lives.  They give "teaching" - about God, Christ, ourselves, sin, grace, and a multitude of other things.  Thus bring us to know God, shape our thinking, and give us clear direction in life.  They also "rebuke" - searching our hearts and touching our consciences."

Hebrews 4:12-13

For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Without God's word we take away the shield and sword that protects our hearts from the evil of this world, from the lies that Satan would have us believe, from the darkness that seeks to destroy the light we have in Christ.  "Knowledge and love of God create an environment in which discouragement and a sense of depression or spiritual desertion find difficulty breathing."  (Ferguson)

This hit me rather hard despite having heard it over and over and over again.  But I started praying again.  Little tentative prayers.  I started humming my favorite hymn in the shower again.  I turned off my radio in the car and I pray on my drive to work again.  I'm still lonely, I'm still frustrated and confused why my plan isn't coming to fruition.  But I do see that I am blessed.  I might not have received the blessing that I've been asking for yet.  I am blessed that I am not alone.  I have a family that loves me and doesn't give up on me when I try to push them away to wallow in my anger and the darkness that accompanies it.  I have friends that want to spend time with me and encourage me.  And God does hear me and hasn't left me.  I so often have blinders on, focusing on the one blessing that I want the most that I fail to see the others that God has provided for me while I'm waiting for what I've asked.  And maybe waiting is a blessing, too.  It'll give me a chance to learn how to cook without burning the house down.  But miracles like that are rare and I'm pretty sure that while I'm waiting God's working on my heart and changing me to be more the woman He wants me to be.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me. 

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"

Your face, Lord, will I seek.

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:7-8, 13-14