This wasn't the way I planned it

If you had asked me when I was 19 where I would be in 10 years, I would answer; "I'll be married to a wonderful man and be a stay-at-home mom with at least two beautiful children and another on the way."  That was my whole answer, my whole plan.  I've never wanted anything else than to get married, have children, and take care of my family.  I had it all planned out.  I would meet someone in college, we would graduate and get married the June after graduation, wait a year, maybe two then start having kids.  My plan was perfect.  However, it was not God's plan.

Today, I'm 29 and single.  I live with my parents and haven't been on a decent date in a long time.  My plan has long since shattered.  I've lost and regained hope so many times only to again be thrown down into the dirt feeling alone and hopeless.  Feeling completely abandoned by the God that seems to bless so many of the other people around me.  Why is He blessing everyone else with what I have specifically asked and prayed for for years?  How long am I supposed to sit here waiting patiently for what I've asked for since I was 16 years old?  How long am I to endure the anger and depression, the sadness and loneliness before He finally gives Mr. Right-For-Me my address??  Where is my blessing???

I'm angry, upset, depressed, and downright ticked off that God hasn't provided what I've asked for.  I'm tired of being lonely and depressed and tired of waiting.  Why is God ignoring me?  Am I even on His radar screen?  Has God given up on me?  Has God left me?  Certainly seems that way. 

My mom recently gave me a book called Deserted by God by Sinclair B. Ferguson (find it here).  I'm not one for reading much beyond feel good historical fiction stories, but this past Sunday I finally decided to sit down and read it.  Well, the first chapter anyway.  I started the first chapter, skeptical that I would find anything that would encourage me or help me with my situation.  

The first chapter is called "Can Anyone Help Me?"  Ferguson said exactly what I had expected him to: God.  God is the one that can help.  Having been raised in a Christian family and being taught from an early age, this was not new to me.  But Dr. Ferguson kept going.  What is the first thing that we do when we feel like our prayers have gone unheard?  We stop praying.  We stop reading our Bibles.  Oh we'll offer up the random prayers here and there for our friends and loved ones but our hearts aren't in it.  And why listen and read God's word when He's not listening to me.  So quiet times stop, prayers on the drive to work stop, humming hymns in the shower stops.  And the darkness and loneliness and pain sneak in and start taking over and it is not a pretty picture.  Gone is the generally happy Carrie that goes to dinner with buddies, takes walks with her sister-in-law, visits and plays with the kids.  Moody Carrie shows up and says little to nothing to the people she works with, hides in her room, skips dinner with friends, snaps at her family when they ask her a question.  The ugliness spreads like wildfire.  It's awful!!  Why does this happen??  I stopped reading my Bible.  I stopped praying.

Ferguson explains why we need our quiet times with God: "When we study and meditate on the Scriptures, they being to make a significant impact on the whole of our lives.  They give "teaching" - about God, Christ, ourselves, sin, grace, and a multitude of other things.  Thus bring us to know God, shape our thinking, and give us clear direction in life.  They also "rebuke" - searching our hearts and touching our consciences."

Hebrews 4:12-13

For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Without God's word we take away the shield and sword that protects our hearts from the evil of this world, from the lies that Satan would have us believe, from the darkness that seeks to destroy the light we have in Christ.  "Knowledge and love of God create an environment in which discouragement and a sense of depression or spiritual desertion find difficulty breathing."  (Ferguson)

This hit me rather hard despite having heard it over and over and over again.  But I started praying again.  Little tentative prayers.  I started humming my favorite hymn in the shower again.  I turned off my radio in the car and I pray on my drive to work again.  I'm still lonely, I'm still frustrated and confused why my plan isn't coming to fruition.  But I do see that I am blessed.  I might not have received the blessing that I've been asking for yet.  I am blessed that I am not alone.  I have a family that loves me and doesn't give up on me when I try to push them away to wallow in my anger and the darkness that accompanies it.  I have friends that want to spend time with me and encourage me.  And God does hear me and hasn't left me.  I so often have blinders on, focusing on the one blessing that I want the most that I fail to see the others that God has provided for me while I'm waiting for what I've asked.  And maybe waiting is a blessing, too.  It'll give me a chance to learn how to cook without burning the house down.  But miracles like that are rare and I'm pretty sure that while I'm waiting God's working on my heart and changing me to be more the woman He wants me to be.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me. 

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"

Your face, Lord, will I seek.

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:7-8, 13-14